http://www.straighttalktnt.org/ en straighttalkTNT@gmail.com Copyright 2013 2013-06-18T18:41:34+00:00 http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/teen-unable-to-process-death-of-parent http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/teen-unable-to-process-death-of-parent#When:18:41:34Z Editor's Note: "Hopeless in Orange County" talks about the inability to concentrate in school. Trauma indeed creates a neurochemical imbalance, what could be considered a "brain bruise," which is why people can't think well during and after trauma. Teachers: If a student is not doing well academically, is acting out, or is depressed and withdrawn, make sure to have him or her wait after class and ask, compassionately, if they are okay and what might be going on at home. He or she will recover so much faster if someone in a trusted position knows what is going on and is there to talk. It also helps to know when assigning lighter academics is appropriate. Most people have trouble knowing what to say to the bereaved. Death definitely brings up a lot of discomfort and can make us want to avoid the person. You'll feel better if you push through it. Please listen to Amy (from our column NOV 18, 2004). Her advice is universal.  From Amy, 17: My mother died when I was 15. In my case, even though I couldn’t bring up the subject or even really talk about my mother’s death, I wanted my friends around me. Some of my friends were able to broach the subject and some weren’t, it just depended on their personalities. And it didn’t matter; I just wanted them around. One of my friends drifted off. He didn’t know how to be around me. It’s sad, but, at the time, I was the one who needed help and I couldn’t possibly figure out how to help him. Hearing something as simple as, “Is everything okay for you? If you want to talk about it, I’m right here,” did wonders for me. As did cards and letters from friends who were too shy to say anything to my face. Lots of flowers and letters arrived for the family expressing condolences, but the ones were that were addressed specifically to me were unbelievably comforting. The two-month point was the worst. The flurry of friends and relatives dropped off all at once and I felt pretty alone for awhile. I’m grateful for the friends who hung in there with me. Like Amy says, cards, letters (or texts, emails, Facebook messages), are very comforting. Keep sending them! Amy talks about the difficult two-month drop off in support. I lost a son in an accident, and even years later, notes and messages make a huge difference! It just takes a second. All you need is one line: "I'm thinking about you and your beautiful _______ (insert Mom, Dad, or Name of Departed) and sending love." Regarding naming the departed, the bereaved are lifted by hearing the name of the departed spoken respectfully. As Peter said above, those who have lost a loved one are already sad. Saying their name doesn't make us sadder, it actually has the opposite effect and helps keep the loved one alive. —Lauren Straight Talk TNT.ORG is a nonprofit that tackles youth’s toughest issues with youth’s wisest advice.Thanks to donations like yours, our acclaimed column benefits over 1 million people a week. Click here to join our effort with a contribution! Dear Straight Talk: I’m 16. This year, my family faced hard times that I'm afraid my friends can't really understand. My mom died three months ago after years of fighting breast cancer. I never told my friends about her illness because I didn't want to be treated differently — and usually, Mom was fine. Now she’s gone and I can’t stop thinking about her. I used to be a good student but I can barely concentrate and am getting a lot of pressure to prepare for college. My dad always says I can talk with him, but I know he misses her, too, and I don’t want to make him sad. Will this pain ever end? Who can I talk to that will understand? — Hopeless in Orange County, Calif. Relationships - In General, Death, Depression & Mental Health, 2013-06-18T18:41:34+00:00 http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/stepdad-asks-for-tips-on-being-ideal-stepfather http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/stepdad-asks-for-tips-on-being-ideal-stepfather#When:16:44:32Z Editor's Note: I am so impressed with the panel's advice! The thing that stands out most is their unanimous call for support. Actual spending of resources (emotional and financial) is where the rubber meets the road in treating them as your own. The biggest complaint in our mailbox about parenting regards favoritism. Whether it’s favoritism of the biological child over the stepchild, the boy over the girl, or the beautiful over the plain, make sure to avoid it as it’s one of the most destructive things a parent can do. Thank you Gregg for the explicit advice that stepfather-figures need not and should not stoop to adolescent levels to bond with their stepsons. Boys want to be able to look up to their stepdads. Bonding occurs through an adult’s interest in them and a willingness to listen and give them support. You will quickly lose their respect by thinking you need to be “popular” or “buddies.”  Stepmothers can make the same “hey, girlfriend” bonding mistakes. The panel gave some examples in a column we did on “ideal stepmothers” (AUG 6, 2008). (To read it, use our “Search by Topic” list and look under “Family Life” then “Stepfamily” — or simply click this link.) Another mistake stepmothers are prone to making is reorganizing and changing household operating systems too soon. Certainly some need it, but take it slow and bond first! —Lauren Straight Talk TNT.ORG is a nonprofit that tackles youth’s toughest issues with youth’s wisest advice.Thanks to donations like yours, our acclaimed column benefits over 1 million people a week. Click here to join our effort with a contribution! Dear Straight Talk: How nice to discover this forum! I'm a new stepfather to a boy, 14 and a girl, 16. Their mother has had full custody for eight years. Please advise as to the ideal stepfather. What's the worst thing I can do? The best? — New Dad in Vacaville, Calif. Family Life - In General, Stepfamily, 2013-06-11T16:44:32+00:00 http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/create-safety-net-for-those-who-have-cleaned-up http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/create-safety-net-for-those-who-have-cleaned-up#When:20:18:11Z Editor's Note: My heart goes out to "Missouri Mom" and anyone who has lost a child — and to those like Joshua who have lost friends or siblings. Not only is there the loss itself to deal with, but our culture is not skilled at talking about death so there is isolation, fear of our own mortality, and stuffing of emotions. I highly recommend grief counseling for anyone who has lost a loved one. Having a safe, understanding setting to talk about the loss is crucial for your future health and happiness (even if you don't want to talk about it, like many adolescent boys). To find a grief counselor or a grief-support group, look online in your area under grief or bereavement work.  The famous late musician, Amy Winehouse, died in the same way that Joshua did. She was 27. Many assumed her death was due to drug and alcohol use in general, but what many people don't know is that she had gone completely clean and then binged on alcohol after a period of sobriety. No other drugs were found in her system. A safety network for those who have cleaned or sobered up is essential! To anyone currently "medicating" with alcohol or drugs, please see a rehab counselor. (We are not islands. We need each other's support and expertise.) Most rehab is accomplished on a once-a-week hourly visit to your counselor. It is life changing and positive and worth every penny. A high percentage of rehab counselors are former addicts themselves. They understand you. They don't judge you. They turned to drugs or alcohol because of trauma also. Having their own lives returned to them was so powerful that many have devoted their lives to helping others do the same. If you are coping with drugs or alcohol, look online under outpatient rehab in your town and call a rehab counselor today. Most offer free initial consultations. Why wait any longer to be happy again and have your life back? —Lauren Straight Talk TNT.ORG is a nonprofit that tackles youth’s toughest issues with youth’s wisest advice.Thanks to donations like yours, our acclaimed column benefits over 1 million people a week. Click here to join our effort with a contribution! Dear Straight Talk: I want to make everyone aware of something that cost me my son Joshua's life. Several of his friends died in high school. He first buried his feelings with marijuana, then switched to alcohol in order to pass drug tests for jobs. Finally, he sobered up completely — for 18 months — and we thought we had him back. The day before his death I had a nagging feeling. He was living on his own and had lost his job that day. He bought a bottle. The coroner said that when alcoholics sober up and then binge they will drink what their body used to be able to tolerate, only it can't tolerate that amount anymore. None of us knew this or we would've formed a safety network. For example, his girlfriend would've called us when she saw the bottle rather than threatening to leave. If you know someone who has cleaned up, make sure they and their loved ones know about this. — Missouri Mom Drugs - In General, Alcohol, Death, Stress, 2013-06-04T20:18:11+00:00 http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/older-sister-needs-to-get-thoughts-under-control http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/older-sister-needs-to-get-thoughts-under-control#When:17:51:23Z Editor's Note: We get a lot of mail from boys who experience guilt over inadvertent arousal and erections caused by seeing their older sisters (and sometimes, their mothers) changing clothes, dashing to the bathroom without a robe, or strolling around the house naked or in thong underwear. I'm very glad to receive a letter from the older female in one of these situations. While many probably judged her for having these feelings, I'm certain she is not alone and I'm glad she was honest enough to admit her feelings and get help. Her letter made me realize that plenty of others in such household situations may 'play around' with such thoughts, thinking there's no harm in it. However, thoughts about others are much more transmittable than people think, especially in close quarters. And when the thoughts are negative or inappropriate, they are much more emotionally destructive than people think. I've been personally involved in experiments that demonstrate clearly how thoughts alone can weaken or strengthen whoever they are projected upon — even when the person is screened from all body language cues. At the end of the day, it's our actions that really count. Nonetheless, we have a great responsibility to keep our thoughts clean, too. Regarding incestuous thoughts, sexual arousal is hard-wired, starting with puberty, or earlier with some individuals. That is why societies and families have promoted sex-segregated changing, bathing, and sleeping for centuries. Cultures that don't do this generally have significantly higher rates of incest. Our world has experienced a quantum leap in inappropriate and pre-pubescent sexualizing since the pornography industry went mainstream on the Internet 12 years ago. It is more important than ever for parents (or kids themselves, if parents are napping... and many are) to segregate around dressing, bathing and sleeping. It's simple and inexpensive to divide a room with a sheet or bedspread tacked to the ceiling. Or, if you have bunk beds, create a triangular dressing area in a bedroom with a sheet tacked across a corner of the room. Don't delay. We are human and we need devices like this. Recognizing our weaknesses and using exterior systems to assist in self-control is a key to success. —Lauren PS: To read the earlier columns we made from boys in this predicament, go to our Search by Topic list and look under Sex, then Nudity. Or simply click here and here. Straight Talk TNT.ORG is a nonprofit that tackles youth’s toughest issues with youth’s wisest advice.Thanks to donations like yours, our acclaimed column benefits over 1 million people a week. Click here to join our effort with a contribution! Dear Straight Talk: I'm 17 with a 12-year-old brother who I love very much. I've always been a good big sister to him and he comes to me for consolation and advice. We have to share a bedroom and seeing each other nude has never been an issue. However, with his puberty, everything has changed. I've seen Straight Talk columns from younger brothers complaining that seeing their older sisters nude causes them arousal and terrific guilt. However, I'm the one feeling the guilt because I'm finding his inadvertent arousals from seeing me a turn-on. I know that we shouldn't see each other nude anymore, but because I'm turned on, I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I tell myself there's no harm in my thoughts since I would never actually seduce him. What should I do? — Big Sister in Newport Beach, Calif. Incest, Nudity, Sibling Issues, Obsessions, 2013-05-28T17:51:23+00:00 http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/is-facebook-use-slacking-off http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/is-facebook-use-slacking-off#When:18:32:31Z Editor's Note: “IRL” — in-real-life. Isn’t it amazing that kids today even have this acronym? A friend always tells the story of how the laptop ruined his family life. His high school-age kids were suddenly holed up in their bedrooms having their own private virtual lives. The once-vibrant family communication stopped and things became strangely quiet for a house with two teenagers. Soon, not seeing each other very much became the “new normal.” Insisting upon a family computer station just off the kitchen or in the living room would’ve prevented this. It’s not just laptops. Now we have tablets and smartphones, and pretty soon we’ll have computers embedded into our foreheads (that’s a joke, it probably will be our forearms, and that sadly isn't a joke). None of this is good news for children — or teens — whose bodies are growing, whose brains are literally dissolving and re-growing in an epic neurological redevelopment project, and whose social life drives their every move. All these things, physical vitality, intelligence, and social life are negatively affected by being allowed to throw away over 30 percent of one's waking formative years (I did the math), to trivial pursuits on a flat screen.  This is without encountering sex offenders, gaming addictions, internet bullying and pornography. The incidence of erectile dysfunction in men under 26 is unprecedented in history. The recent TED talk, “The Great Porn Experiment,” gives hope for boys who go porn free. All these problems are eliminated or reduced significantly if kids are given dumbphones (which we should rebrand as prettysmartphones, because they can call, text, and take photos), if mobile internet devices (tablets, laptops, smartphones) are reserved for parents, and if the family computer(s) are set up in a public area of the house (not the kids' bedrooms). This isn’t about not trusting your child with the internet, it’s about not trusting the internet with your child. It's about letting your child actually have a childhood. It's about replacing the typical 30,000 hours of screen time that the average kid wastes by age 18, with IRL experiences that send them into adulthood physically strong, with plenty of time to have thought deeply about their school lessons and problem-solved a variety of situations on their own. Their brain has completed its redevelopment phase with flying colors, it has executive functions, its dopamine and endorphin mechanisms are resilient making addiction less common than it has become. They’ve learned the give-and-take required for IRL friendships, and have become really good at useful things (10,000 hours being the time needed to master something) — all while experiencing parents who didn't let them get their way (thank you!) and having periods of boredom (which we now know are essential for creativity, philosophy, and problem solving). Oh, and boys, protected from internet porn, have learned real-girl intimacy instead of losing their "other" executive function to their left hand (a reference to the TED talk above). In the world according to Lauren (and many pediatricians, teachers and philosophers), the best childhoods (age 0-14) have almost no screen time, the best teen years (age 14-18) have screen time with supervision and limits (the family computer station). Starting around age 18, I believe smartphones and laptops are fine. If children are given a chance to grow up naturally, I believe we can handle the computer age effectively and constructively. Right now, it is handling us. And the results across the spectrum of physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and sexual health aren’t pretty. —Lauren Straight Talk TNT.ORG is a nonprofit that tackles youth’s toughest issues with youth’s wisest advice.Thanks to donations like yours, our acclaimed column benefits over 1 million people a week. Click here to join our effort with a contribution! Dear Straight Talk: A middle school teacher friend of mine says he’s noticed his students are less interested in Facebook. My 16- and 19-year-old are constantly on Facebook, which drives me crazy, as a father, because I feel it distracts them from focusing deeply on anything substantial. What does the panel say? Is there a slacking off? — Hoping It's True In Santa Ana, Calif. Family Life - In General, Media - In General, Cell Phones (see also Driving), Internet & Social Networking, Optimum World, 2013-05-21T18:32:31+00:00 http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/heres-to-you-mrs.-robinson http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/heres-to-you-mrs.-robinson#When:17:42:14Z Editor's Note: I wish “Seduced” had provided a valid email address so he could’ve had our advice sooner. Most people write us anonymously, but for anyone so nervous that they want to use a fake email address, consider creating a separate email address instead. Then we can respond quickly. Generally, there is a lag before we actually make a column. Or sometimes we don’t make a column at all, but still help via email. All that said, “Seduced,” if I have scared you into action, good. The longer you keep seeing this woman, the deeper she will become attached. Anyone finding themselves trading sex for money (or jewelry, favors, cars, etc.), needs to be very careful breaking up. For best results return what can be returned, don’t break up in person – or choose a very public setting, be kind but firm, make yourself scarce from the person afterward, change your routine as much as possible, and discourage all future engagement. (Tip: Retrieve any possessions that you care about ahead of time as you may never see them again.) Most importantly, have support from people who know where you are and what is going on. Don’t hesitate to go to the police if you are being stalked, harassed, or even just have a bad feeling.  Regarding cougar hookups in general, some are mutually fulfilling and I’ve known one or two that have turned into committed relationships. Benjamin Franklin lauded seeing older women over younger women. But all sexual partnering requires discernment — and nobody wants to be used. Sometimes with older women, there is more baggage on board (old wounds, abandonments, medications, money, or lack thereof, children, etc.) than a young man is competent to handle. And when one party is under the age of consent, it’s obviously so uncool that even the law sets boundaries. The potential for abuse of power is simply too great. A common mistake young men have with older women is the assumption that they (the women) aren’t sexually active and that there is no need for a condom. Maybe in Ben Franklin’s era this was true, but you can’t assume anything with mature or senior women today. Some are very sexually active. In addition, this age group (including men) contains some of the worst offenders when it comes to lack of protection. They rank almost as bad as teenagers. So, no matter how much you can’t fathom sweet little Ms. McGillicutty getting regular action, assume you are naïve (because you are) and use a condom. —Lauren Straight Talk TNT.ORG is a nonprofit that tackles youth’s toughest issues with youth’s wisest advice.Thanks to donations like yours, our acclaimed column benefits over 1 million people a week. Click here to join our effort with a contribution! Dear Straight Talk: I'm 17 and being seduced by a "Mrs. Robinson.” She’s a rich divorced friend of my mom's in her 40s, in great shape and very attractive. First she offered me good money to do yard work. Then she started giving me wine afterwards. Then she seduced me. Now she gives me really big tips for the excellent "yard work.” I feel guilty and almost like a male prostitute. However, she's hard to resist and I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the money. A friend says her actions are illegal and I should blackmail her. I don't want to blackmail her or get her in trouble, I just want to tell her it’s over, but I keep doing it "one more time" and can't stop myself. I appreciate any advice. — Seduced in Petaluma, Calif. Sex - In General, Age of Consent, Breaking Up, Obsessions, 2013-05-14T17:42:14+00:00 http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/should-mom-share-her-prom-night-story http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/should-mom-share-her-prom-night-story#When:18:11:53Z Editor's Note: Prom season is here. For some teens, especially seniors, it can feel like their "last hurrah" of high school. And many college kids are coming home to their "first hurrah" of summer. Parents: Let your kids know that they never need to feel too insecure to stand up to peer pressure. A story of your own that involves what can happen when you don't love yourself enough can go a long way if used tactfully and without details. Hollywood may gain audiences with gratuitous sex and drug scenes, but you will only gag your kids with a spoon. Pick your stories carefully (most are best left on the shelf till everyone's over 30), keep them G-rated, and focus on lessons learned. Many kids do unconsciously want to emulate you, so consider stories that feature a friend in the "starring" role. Stories from the news are good, too. There are things happening commonly today, that were not in our stories. Being raped while passed-out from drinking or being slipped a "roofie" are two such newer stories. See our most current column on date rape drugs and one on being raped while passed out to understand today's terrain. (Our comment forms were broken when these columns were written. If you'd like to add comments, please do!) Most rapists do not put videos up on Facebook; they get off completely free.  Go over safety precautions: • Never send a drunk to a bedroom to sleep it off. • Never drag a passed-out person to a bedroom or other private location. • Keep your friends in your sight at all times. • To avoid being slipped a date-rape drug, keep your drink in your hand at all times. • Discard a drink if you leave it unattended. • Don't drink out of communal punch bowls. • Take steps to identify and turn in suspected or known rapists. • Always have a designated driver so you and your friends can leave anytime. • Call your parents for help. Encourage your kids to call you (not as a party buddy, but someone who understands that things can happen), and you will come pick them up wherever and in whatever condition. When someone knows you think this highly of their character, it actually increases their resiliency, self-esteem, and decision-making abilities. —Lauren Dear Straight Talk: My daughter, 17, always attends prom. She is curious about my prom experience. I wasn't popular in high school, but right before graduating, a boy I'd just met asked me to his school's prom. WOW! I was making prom after all. (Back then, a date was required.) It turned out to be a triple date — to the Motel 6 with a trunk load of booze! I, alone, was blind to the plan. To my credit, I didn't sleep with my date even though the other couples pressured me. On the other hand, I was too insecure to ask to be taken home, or, duh — to PROM! Instead I got totally plastered and wasn't taken home until 5 AM. The panel probably wants me to share this, but what does Lauren say about 'sensible' sharing for this and other wild times? — Toledo, Ohio Family Life - In General, The Sex Talk (see also Sex), Date Rape , Date Rape (see also Dating), Rape, Peer Pressure, Alcohol, Date Rape Drugs, 2013-05-07T18:11:53+00:00 http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/shy-freshman-mortified-over-school-showers http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/shy-freshman-mortified-over-school-showers#When:17:11:21Z Editor's Note: I don't blame high schools for not making showers mandatory in our current personal-rights and lawsuit-happy climate. We did a column on this topic nearly three years ago (AUG 4, 2010) and I continue to find the demise of school showers fascinating sociologically. I can't help but notice that the showers started shutting down at the same time that online pornography was revving up. Simple coincidence? Segregated men's and women's bathing rituals used to be one of the most natural things in the world. Has pornography sexualized the idea of basic nudity making everyone paranoid? One panelist thinks the rise of the bisexual and gay scene has something to do with it. I'm sure everyone carrying a camera on their phone isn't helping things either. Readers: I'm curious about this. What are your thoughts on the demise of the school shower? —Lauren Straight Talk TNT.ORG is a nonprofit that tackles youth’s toughest issues with youth’s wisest advice.Thanks to donations like yours, our acclaimed column benefits over 1 million people a week. Click here to join our effort with a contribution! Dear Straight Talk: I'm a high school freshman and very private about my body. I can't handle anybody seeing me naked except my sister and my best friend. Not even my mom. Our gym teacher told us, with hot weather coming, everyone will have to shower, no exceptions! She says modesty is no excuse because "you're all the same." Our locker room ONLY has communal showers. I'm not overweight or anything, but I will die of embarrassment. I can barely handle changing into my gym clothes publicly. My sister (a junior) has no problem with the communal showers, so maybe I got this from my mom who we've never seen nude. Am I alone in wanting privacy? Please help! — Private in No Cal School - In General, Nudity, Body Image, 2013-04-30T17:11:21+00:00 http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/brother-blackmailed-over-condoms http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/brother-blackmailed-over-condoms#When:18:21:52Z Editor's Note: I refer to “minors” in my answer above because “Blackmailed” was writing from California where age of consent is 18, one of the highest in the world. Only six other U.S. states have an age of consent this high, as well as a small number of countries worldwide (some with ages higher than 18). In the U.S., 31 states use an age of consent of 16 — including Hawaii which upped theirs from age 14 just a few years ago — and the remaining 13 states use age 17. Many states have “close-in-age” exemptions (sometimes called "Romeo and Juliet” laws) where partners close in age, or who are both under the age of consent, can engage in consensual sex without fear of prosecution. Around the world, most countries allow heterosexual consensual sexual relations to legally begin between ages 14 and 16, including most of Europe. Examples of large countries with a heterosexual age of consent of 14 are China and Brazil. Russia’s is age 15, and much of the rest of the world is age 16, including Canada, who upped their age of consent from 14 to 16 in 2008 to discourage internet predators. Interestingly, except for the U.S. and a few other countries, age of consent for homosexuals is generally a higher age, if not illegal. Personally, I think age 16 or 17 is a realistic legal age of consent for teens in the United States. And regardless of where you live, anything under age 14 (and there are a few countries like this), makes women less free by encouraging child-brides and less education and opportunity for women. To those with younger siblings, your behavior has a huge influence on them. Most of you care about each other (or will down the road). Set a good example, or at least be discreet, so they don’t start things earlier than you did — which is what usually happens. Even without pregnancy, heartache, or STIs, sex too young can be destabilizing. If you are sexually active and your younger sibling finds out, open communication with parents sets a great example of the responsible thing to do. —Lauren Straight Talk TNT.ORG is a nonprofit that tackles youth’s toughest issues with youth’s wisest advice.Thanks to donations like yours, our acclaimed column reaches over 1 million people a week. Click here to join our effort with a contribution! Dear Straight Talk: I'm 16, sharing a room with my 13-year-old sister because our single-parent mom can’t afford otherwise. My sister snooped, found my hidden condoms and now she's blackmailing me. I have to pay her from my part-time job, which barely covers my expenses, make her bed and clean her part of the room. If she tells, I'll be grounded and probably unable to see my girlfriend anymore. My girlfriend and I both turn 17 this year, have over a B average and have never been in trouble. You might say we shouldn't be having sex at our age, but it’s not uncommon and I’m writing about the blackmail. — Blackmailed in Sacramento Conflict - In General, Male Issues, Relationships - In General, Sex - In General, Age of Consent, Birth Control, Sibling Issues, 2013-04-23T18:21:52+00:00 http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/big-sis-wants-lil-sis-to-forgive-her http://www.straighttalktnt.org/teen-advice/entry/big-sis-wants-lil-sis-to-forgive-her#When:15:05:36Z Editor's Note: I know excruciatingly cruel bullies from high school who grew up to be kind, caring adults who look back in utter perplexity at their now-foreign adolescent state of mind. I also know the nice kids who were the victims of these bullies who never got past it and grew up cramped by a continued hatred. I'm not excusing bullying— it's horrible. Look what it can do to a life! My point is, no matter which side of the bully-victim coin you were/are on, once you're out of the situation, FORGIVENESS allows you to move past it and become whole.  Since today's column is from someone who made a grave mistake, I want to talk about the silver lining of mistakes, especially whoppers, which are harder for the mind to weasel out of. The advantage they give a person is the opportunity to become humble. These people are given direct access to their humanity, their "inner fool." Contrast this with the more perfect among us, who avoided glaring mistakes — or were given blue ribbons for them. These people can sometimes develop a pride in themselves that makes it extremely difficult to admit shortcomings or mistakes. This can be a handicap to creativity or teamwork. If you aren't free to make mistakes, you are less creative, and if you are always pointing the finger elsewhere and manipulating stories in order to keep up appearances, it soon becomes annoying to teammates and bosses. The Blame Game is as old as humanity and springs from Pride, the deadliest of the Seven Deadly Sins. Even the most blatant blunderers fall victim to Pride and craft excuses or further attack their victim so they can appear virtuous. And "perfect" ones are entering the workplace in force as the hover-parented Millennial Generation with its high narcissistic index comes of age. I know of one startup company that made a "Failure Wall" where employees could write their failures publicly and realize it's okay to be human. Let's all make a mistake today (you probably already did) — and admit it! Consider it a spiritual practice. —Lauren Straight Talk TNT.ORG is a nonprofit that tackles youth’s toughest issues with youth’s wisest advice.Thanks to donations like yours, our acclaimed column reaches over 1 million people a week. Click here to join our effort with a contribution! Dear Straight Talk: I’m ashamed to say I was like "No Slut's" sister [column MAR 26]. In addition to having a terrible reputation, which gave my younger sister a bad reputation, I did everything to make her life miserable. The few friends she did make, I drove away. I laughed at her when she was naked, calling her body “gross,” and found it funny when she cried. She begged to share a room with our younger brother, but our mom would allow it. She thought my sister was exaggerating and brushed it off as sibling rivalry. I’m mature now and have changed. I feel terrible and wish like anything to beg for forgiveness and make it up to her. But I don’t know how to approach her or if the damage can be undone. We hardly see each other now except at unavoidable family occasions and she hardly speaks to me. — S.T. Conflict - In General, Bullying, Sibling Issues, Abusive, Friendship, 2013-04-16T15:05:36+00:00